I love my mother very much. By now, I've lost four relatives who mattered a lot to me, and sometimes, I imagine my mother dying too. (Death is on my mind a lot. I have this feeling that if I think very hard about death, then maybe death won't come because he'll be too ashamed to move while the flashlight of my regard is on him.) But when I think about my mother's death, I feel happy for her, because I think deep down, it's something she has wanted for a long time. I don't even know why she hangs on. Does she feel that she has to take care of me and my siblings? I know she won't cook or clean up regularly if I didn't live here. I'm the same way. When I was living alone, I just say "Fuck it" to dinner and leave dishes lying around. My mother and I are fairly alike, and she has told me early on that I'll never be her "favorite" because of that. She thinks there's something wrong with me, because she has always thought something was wrong with her. I don't think she likes it here on Earth. Like a lot of intuitives, we both feel like aliens, strangers sojourning in a world not our own. Except I think that I have work to do here, and I think she no longer feels that way. She wants to go home to heaven. She wants to be raptured now. She wants, essentially, death.
But I will miss her very much. I know I'll miss the way she whistles while she works even though it drives me batshit crazy right now. I'll miss her cooking. I'll miss the way she comforts me when I'm sad. All the crazy things she does, like feeding rice to the feral cats even though the rice just rots and grows maggots outside, I'll miss that too. Well no, maybe not that last part. And I know a lot of people will miss her too. She's a lot braver, stronger, and more important to people than she gives herself credit for.
She's dying inch by inch with diabetes. It's hard for her to climb up stairs. Her hands swell. She has massive headaches, so bad she can't get up. She has a missing tooth she won't take care of. I try to bug her to take care of herself, but she won't. I told her I'd pay for a dentist, but she doesn't want my dentist. I told her to find her own, she hasn't found one yet. This was a month ago.
She believes that the world will end soon, but that's Lord Slaughter's thesis, isn't it? He says he wants to destroy the world, but in reality, he just wants to destroy himself.
I wish I could help her. I wish my love for her wasn't so shot through with annoyance, helplessness, sadness, and miscommunication. I wish I could talk to her about God, but she won't recognize him from my eyes. I wish I could tell her I love her, and not have it come out as inadequate -- because in her eyes, I will always be inadequate and flawed, because in her mind I'm like her, but the "unsaved" version of her. Everything I do will always be useless. Everything I say will just be monkey-noises. I am just a deluded non-believer to her, and whenever I express skepticism, it's just a non-believer attacking a poor, martyred believer. She doesn't believe that I come from a position of love. But I do love her, very much. But nothing I do makes an impression. Nothing I say matters, because I don't matter, not as a person she can respect anyway. Not as a person who is Real, part of her community of faith.
We had a talk tonight. We were separated by a round table about a meter wide, but it felt like a lake in the night and neither of us had boats. I felt detached from myself. I could feel her thinking about how I thought about her. Like I could see a puppet with my face in her head, saying: "This is insane. End of the world, lizards from outer space? Insane. I'm a poor, misguided dupe of the lying powers of this world, and I don't beliieeevvve." But that puppet of me in her head is not the real me. I don't think she's insane, she is very rational. She just wants to go home.
And I don't want her to leave.
I have an app on my phone, where I track my moods and activities. You can customize the activities and give them their own little icons. Today, my activities were church, chores, exercise, and crying. I use the crying one a lot. I'm tired now.